Alright, gather round, folks, because I’ve discovered the secret to rapid weight loss... and it’s not what you think. Over the last three weeks, I’ve been hit with some kind of bug from the depths of hell. We’re talking headaches, cold sweats, vomiting – the full works. It’s like my body decided to throw every symptom at me just to see if I could handle it. Spoiler alert: I barely did.

Now, normally, I’d be out on the squash court or at least pretending I’m getting some exercise in. But nope, not for the last three weeks. I’ve been firmly planted on the sofa, sweating through my clothes and wondering if I’ll ever feel human again. And yet, somehow, through the magical powers of sickness, I’ve managed to drop from 17 stone to 15.8 stone. I know, right? How does that even happen?

Three weeks. No squash. No workouts. No effort whatsoever. And I lose weight. If that’s not the definition of unfair, I don’t know what is. It’s like my body took pity on me and thought, "Well, if you’re going to be miserable, at least I’ll help you shift a stone or two while you’re at it." Cheers, body. Appreciate that.

Look, I’d love to tell you this was part of some carefully crafted weight loss plan, but let’s be real – this was pure dumb luck. If I could bottle up whatever bug I caught and sell it as a quick fix for dropping weight, I’d be a millionaire. Forget all those fancy diets or brutal exercise routines – just get hit with a mystery illness, and voila, the pounds melt away. (Disclaimer: This is a terrible idea. Please don’t actually try this.)

But let’s be clear: This is not the way anyone should want to lose weight. Sure, you might get lighter, but you’ll also feel like you’ve been put through a washing machine on the "spin" cycle. Not exactly a fun way to drop a few pounds.

So here I am, three weeks later, a bit lighter, still slightly traumatised by whatever that bug was, but alive and kicking (barely). I’m calling it a win, even if it wasn’t the most enjoyable way to shed some weight. Next time, though, maybe I’ll try, you know, actually exercising instead of letting the flu do the heavy lifting.

Until then, I’ll just keep hoping my body doesn’t have any more surprises in store for me. One bug was enough, thanks!